Men Who Hate Women Who Text During Movies – “The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo” and Other Thoughts

[Editor’s note: This is more rant than review, but I was amused and hope you will be too.]

It is almost 2 A.M. I have a full-time job to wake-up to in the morning. My 9-month-old baby has been sick. Last night I did not sleep well. Tonight I will not sleep well. Theoretically, I can sleep until 7:30 AM and have time to get ready and out the door, but none of my 3 children will let me sleep that long. Knowing this, I still cannot sleep, for my blood is still boiling, my adrenaline is still up, and I must share my experience at the movies.

Don’t get too excited. I’m not really going to talk about the movie that much. David Fincher’s The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo is a lot like the Swedish language version, only with better actors, better music, and a stellar command of technical form. You can pretty much just read my review of the original and bump it up a grade for good form.

The movie stars Daniel Craig as disgraced journalist Mikael Blomkvist. Blomkvist is hired by the wealthy Henrik Vanger, played by Christopher Plummer, to solve a 40-year old mystery. Vanger is convinced a member of his family murdered his niece Harriet. Mikael eventually teams up with the pseudo-autistic punk/hacker Lisbeth Salander, played full-tilt by Rooney Mara.

As I said in my review of the original, the story is chock full o’ rape, almost obsessed with it. The beginning takes way too long to get going. Once the mystery is solved, it takes way too long to end. The red herrings are half-hearted gestures. And both mysteries are way too obvious. There is still a nice crime solving middle section, but the story is so under cooked Fincher has to work overtime to make it interesting. And it is. He knows how to shoot the shit out of a scene, layer in wonderfully off-kilter sound design, and generally make everything slicker. This usually makes it cool. Here, not so much.

I will say the chemistry between Blomkvist and Salander is better here, and their relationship makes more sense. But like I said, there are only so many ways to polish a turd.

So, what has me so pumped? Glad you’re still with me. People are assholes. Yes, the movie has plenty on screen, but I mean in real life, and more specifically the couple who sat beside me tonight.

Let me be clear. My thing, the thing I do, after work, after time with the kids, after time with my loving wife, after whatever else there is to do, is go to the movies. I lose a lot of sleep doing this, so I don’t appreciate assholes when I’m at the theater. And let me say, this was the worst time I’ve ever had at the movies, my opinion of the film notwithstanding.

After a brief opening scene, the opening credits begin to roll. You might have seen them already, they’re online. They are fantastic credits. Sadly, they’re best thing about the movie. They are a little arbitrary, but really cool for coolness sake. It is at this time Ms. Fucktard and her boyfriend arrive, late. They shuffle loudly in front of me, blocking my view while looking for their seats (the theater has assigned seating). They eventually settle into the seats next to me.

Fucktard keeps her phone on, and even though it is in her purse, the bright glow is like a shining diamond in my peripheral. Just as the credits end, her phone stops glowing. Fine. No big deal.

Then, throughout the movie I see that same bright glow to my right. It is very brief but very distracting. Fucktard keeps checking her phone, not quite incessantly, but enough to keep me aware that I’m sitting next to a Fucktard.

Then, during the film’s tensest scene (we’ll call it the “Sail Away” scene), some 2 hours into the movie, the bright glow catches my eye once more. I look over and Fucktard is on her phone, scrolling her Facebook page with her boots off and feet up on her boyfriend’s lap, like she was relaxing in her living room. I don’t care if the movie isn’t doing it for you, show some fucking respect… to me, and the film.

Now, I am not confrontational, but this was too much. The theater is my chapel, and I am a monk therein, which should explain how I tried to handle Fucktard. I’d like to call her Trashy Whore or Stupid Cunt, but that might imply some female prejudice, especially considering the movie we were watching (original book title: Men Who Hate Woman). But she really was a stupid, trashy cunt/whore.

So, I lean over and say, “Can you turn that off, please?” I couldn’t really hear a response, but I could see that they weren’t a couple of dumb teenagers, they were in their 30’s and vaguely European. Rather than saying, “Oh, I’m sorry,” they reacted like I had barged into their private screening room unannounced. Then one of them says something to the effect of, “You don’t need to lean in so close.”

Then Fucktard adds, “You’re in my seat, by the way.” Now, I am not a fucktard; I can read my ticket stub and find J-10. Fucktard obviously couldn’t because when she arrived the theater was dark. So, I guess I must have offended her when they showed up late and I was in “their” seat.

So, I’m trying to get back to the movie, but now these two are in my ear about being too close and stealing their seats, doing exactly the opposite of politely turning off their electronic devices.

Finally, I say, “Fuck Off!”

Maybe I shouldn’t have, but fuck them. They’re a pair of fucking fucks. Well, Fucktard’s boyfriend took offense and I got an earful about not talking to a “lady” that way. Then he grabbed my wrist hard and asked me if I wanted to “take this outside and fight.” Apparently, I had insulted them. But really, once you text or check Facebook during a movie, I no longer consider you a “lady,” you become a dick.

Did I want to go outside? No, but not because I don’t want to fight you (I don’t). And not because I was scared (maybe a little). With Eurotrash, you never know. No, I don’t want to fight or argue or discuss why I’m in the right because I’m trying to watch a fucking movie. So I say, as I pull my arm away, “I’m trying to watch the movie,” and gesture toward the screen.

Silence.

Fucktard scoffs a lot and shifts in her chair. Apparently, I’m the asshole who ruined their night out. I hear her put her trashy whore boots on, and for a moment I thought they were leaving, or maybe I should change seats. What to do? Alas, I was trying to watch the fucking movie, like I said, and I didn’t want to further disturb anyone else.

The movie still had 40 minutes of pointless wrapping up to do. I sat there awkwardly, next to two stupid cunts, the movie steadily declining and my adrenaline out of control. The film finally came to a weird forced poignancy ending. The lights came up and I waited for the Fucktards to leave first. I did not look at them because I avoid conflict. Any further talking or attempts at explaining their stupidity would only exacerbate things. And husbands and fathers shouldn’t be out fighting dumb fucks in movie theaters at 1 A.M.

But, Fucktard couldn’t let it go. She got very close to my ear and left me with this bon mot, “You’re an asshole, you know that? I hope the rest of your life is shitty.” Then they left. I maintained composure. I triple checked that I was indeed sitting in row J seat 10. I looked at the seats they were in and it was a complete pig sty, popcorn strewn about their chairs, and garbage haphazardly lying around. Now it’s almost 3 AM and here I am.

Maybe you didn’t need to read all of this, but I needed to share it. I think it ultimately had some effect on my movie watching experience, so think of my ranting as full disclosure. Sitting next to assholes who don’t realize they’re assholes will possibly alter your enjoyment of this movie.

Or maybe I deserve a shitty life? You tell me.

Grade: B-

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15 responses to “Men Who Hate Women Who Text During Movies – “The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo” and Other Thoughts

  1. that shit happened during Sherlock Holmes: Game of Shadows but the THREE fucktards were sitting right in front of me talking, checking their phones and jumping over the railing to leave the theater a couple times. during some crucial scenes too. luckly other people confronted them before i had to.
    Anyway, i liked this movie! i havent read the book or seen the original film, but i heard this follows the book more so i dont think i’ll be watching it.

  2. I’m sure everyone has a story. It just blows my mind how quickly I became the bad guy.

    Also, this stuff always happens during crucial scenes.

    I love Fincher, even Alien 3, but this story just doesn’t do it for me.

  3. I saw TGWTDT today. Someone two rows in front of me must have checked her phone at least three times – each for about a minute at a time. So I had to deal with the distracting white glow. I felt as you did – what ever happened to courtesy and respect.

  4. Maybe the film is just cursed. I also had rude people next to me, talking throughout the film, reminding themselves out loud what was going to happen next. “Oh, now he’s going to get shot at…” Not ok.

  5. The worst one I ever had was when I saw Drive. A lady four rows ahead of me answered her phone and described to someone the plot of the movie, loudly. It bugged the hell out of me. Luckily that was her only phone call.

    I hate the cell phone light thing too. The person can be ten rows ahead of you and it will still bother you.

  6. We’ve all dealt with rude people…but has anyone else had that rudeness thrown back in their face?

  7. I just remembered of another time, I think it was during Hulk, not sure. The theater was packed and suddenly a baby started crying. I was with my brother in law, he shushed really loud and told the mom to be quiet. Another dude told the mom to get the baby out of here. The mom said “you get your ass out of here.” She stayed. The baby calmed down but wow, a crying baby………………………

  8. That happened at Minority Report…it was still during the trailers, and someone from way back yelled, “Pop a titty in its mouth and shut it up!.” They left and didn’t come back.

    I have 3 kids, and when they were babies, I would never take them to a theater. Even out anywhere else, if they were crying, like at a restaurant, I take them outside. Anything else is just rude.

    It’s all about entitlement.

  9. Ahhhh..the apple does not fall far from the tree….Bryan you did fine standing your ground and avoiding a trip in a patrol car.
    Karma will give them a dose of their own medicine very soon!
    And maybe, just maybe..thats one of the major reasons I far more enjoy movies at home these days..way too many fucktards on the planet..especially in L.A. 🙂

  10. I can’t complain because about twenty years ago I did the worst thing I’ve ever seen in a movie. I had my infant with me, which I thought was cool because I knew if he became fussy I’d simply leave and sit in the lobby and let my wife and our friends watch the film. To keep him silent I kept feeding him, giving him bottles.

    The problem was, I fed him too much, and right at the climax of the movie (Single White Female, if memory serves) he started throwing up. Not a little baby puke, but full-bore spewing. It was like holding a fire hose. I tried to keep him pointed into me as I ran out, but I know stuff was flying and bouncing all over the place.

    So I really can’t complain… even though I do.

  11. 3 babies in, and I wouldn’t even consider taking them to the theater. I’ve sat through too many crying babies. It’s never worth it.

    At least you’ve learned your lesson and you know what you did was wrong. These people were mad I had the gall to speak to them.

  12. I hate when people do that sort of stuff. I used to get mad too. Once I lost it and yelled at a couple who were chattering throughout the first ten minutes of a film. I shouted: “Where do you people think you are? If you want to chat, you can do that outside the movie theater for free!” I laced it with a number of choice expletives – yeah, I was pissed. Jerks! I actually got a round of applause for that one – I guess I wasn’t the only one who was annoyed.

    Once or twice I went to a particular theater (I think it was the Showcase Cinema in Revere, north of Boston, Massachusetts) and it happened both times I went there. I later found out that this particular movie theater is infamous for it. It’s incredible to me that people think such behavior is okay.

    I got so annoyed by the fact that it was so common in the Boston area that I stopped movie-going for a number of years. Since moving to the DC area I’ve started going back to the movies, but it’s hard, with the prices these days, to make it a routine. At least my new local movie theaters tend to have a more respectful clientele – so far I haven’t been bothered once.

  13. “I have 3 kids, and when they were babies, I would never take them to a theater.”

    We used to take our baby daughter to movies, but only because she would always sleep all the way through the movies so we never felt the need to get a babysitter. We used to get nasty glares from people going into the theater, but we always got compliments going out, because she was so quiet.

    • There’s always an exception to every rule…I just never dared try it, for if the baby did cry, I’d have to leave and miss the movie. And as you can tell, I try really hard not to miss the movie.

  14. Pingback: 2012 Oscar Checklist – Part 9: All Made Up With Nowhere to Go | Shooting the Script

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