The upcoming nuptials between two people who have no bearing on my existence have confounded me to no end. It’s everywhere. It’s a mainstay on Yahoo, CNN, EW, AOL, GMA. It’s being treated like real news. After the wedding, life will hopefully resume, but in the meantime the whole world is being forced to pay attention to a meaningless “event.” This isn’t a major election or news from one of the many wars; it’s barely even a major celebrity gossip-y thing. I really fail to understand why this is being treated with such reverence and I’m beginning to really despise the British because of it (more so than usual).
So, instead of preaching to the choir or complaining any further, I’ve decided to embrace my fury and list some movies that, like the wedding, create feelings of malice toward the English.
10. Star Wars (1977)
Moff Tarkin and all those force doubting A-holes on the Death Star had British accents (the film was shot in London). They spend the whole movie second guessing the baadasssss-ness of Lord Vader, they destroy the peaceful planet of Alderaan, torture Leia, and just like the British Empire, they’re too pompous to admit defeat. Who wouldn’t want to rebel against these pricks?
Just typing that title has left me slightly perturbed. Add Hugh Grant in annoying twee mode and a bunch of “charming” locals and you begin to understand how fight clubs get started.
8. The Last of the Mohicans (1992)
The British army spends the whole film acting like they’ve never fought in a war before. “Let’s walk right into this massive fucking ambush.” Idiots! Major Heyward is also a major twat. So much so that by the time he actually does something heroic and saves everyone, I still hated him and wished he burned a little longer. I think everyone was just pretending they were horrified while secretly they were happy to be rid of that douche once and for all.
7. Gandhi (1982)
Peaceful, fast-loving Gandhi takes on British Colonial Rule for 3+ hours. Nothing like being reminded how racist, power-hungry and cruel England used to be.
6. Zulu (1964)
A bunch of stuffy Brits, including Michael Caine, kill Africans for 2 hours straight and they called it a movie. I’m not exaggerating. The movie is nothing but English puffs killing black people. I can only imagine how pissed Adam feels while watching.
5. Bloody Sunday (2002)
This is a brutal and realistic reenactment of the eponymous massacre that U2 immortalized in song. I think it is the best picture that Paul Greengrass has made, so that’s one reason to watch. The other is to get riled up watching dumb British soldiers murder innocent people. See also – The Crying Game, Michael Collins, Hunger, every Cranberries music video, and the next film . . .
4. In the Name of the Father (1993)
It’s one thing for England to fight and kill members of the IRA, it can be a touchy subject with opponents on both sides, but in this true life story, the fuzz falsely imprison 4 people for an IRA bombing they had nothing to do with. It makes me want to go all Day-Lewis on some punk limeys.
3. The Patriot (2000)
I’m sure the English did some unsavory things during the Revolutionary War, but Jason Isaacs is downright sadistic in this movie. It’s beyond a stereotype. It’s almost as if Roland Emmerich wanted us to see this movie and then invade England afterward.
2. Braveheart (1995)
Longshanks is the bastard Englishmen to end all bastard Englishmen. I mean all William Wallace wanted was a wife and family, and Longshanks had to go all Primae Noctis on the people. He also chucks gay guys from windows and has a generally sour disposition. Oh and every other Brit in this movie is an asshole and when it’s over you feel like finding someone with a funny accent and punching them in the face while you scream FREEDOM!!!!!!
1. Chariots of Fire (1981)
It’s mega British, super boring, and WON BEST PICTURE OVER RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK!!! If that’s not enough to anger you, one of the main plot points is that the dude doesn’t want to run on a Sunday! Hulk SMASH!