10 Films That Make Me Hate The British

The upcoming nuptials between two people who have no bearing on my existence have confounded me to no end. It’s everywhere. It’s a mainstay on Yahoo, CNN, EW, AOL, GMA. It’s being treated like real news. After the wedding, life will hopefully resume, but in the meantime the whole world is being forced to pay attention to a meaningless “event.” This isn’t a major election or news from one of the many wars; it’s barely even a major celebrity gossip-y thing. I really fail to understand why this is being treated with such reverence and I’m beginning to really despise the British because of it (more so than usual).

So, instead of preaching to the choir or complaining any further, I’ve decided to embrace my fury and list some movies that, like the wedding, create feelings of malice toward the English.

10. Star Wars (1977)

Moff Tarkin and all those force doubting A-holes on the Death Star had British accents (the film was shot in London). They spend the whole movie second guessing the baadasssss-ness of Lord Vader, they destroy the peaceful planet of Alderaan, torture Leia, and just like the British Empire, they’re too pompous to admit defeat. Who wouldn’t want to rebel against these pricks?

9. The Englishman Who Went Up a Hill but Came Down a Mountain (1995)

Just typing that title has left me slightly perturbed. Add Hugh Grant in annoying twee mode and a bunch of “charming” locals and you begin to understand how fight clubs get started.

8. The Last of the Mohicans (1992)

The British army spends the whole film acting like they’ve never fought in a war before. “Let’s walk right into this massive fucking ambush.” Idiots! Major Heyward is also a major twat. So much so that by the time he actually does something heroic and saves everyone, I still hated him and wished he burned a little longer. I think everyone was just pretending they were horrified while secretly they were happy to be rid of that douche once and for all.

7. Gandhi (1982)

Peaceful, fast-loving Gandhi takes on British Colonial Rule for 3+ hours. Nothing like being reminded how racist, power-hungry and cruel England used to be.

6. Zulu (1964)

A bunch of stuffy Brits, including Michael Caine, kill Africans for 2 hours straight and they called it a movie. I’m not exaggerating. The movie is nothing but English puffs killing black people. I can only imagine how pissed Adam feels while watching.

5. Bloody Sunday (2002)

This is a brutal and realistic reenactment of the eponymous massacre that U2 immortalized in song. I think it is the best picture that Paul Greengrass has made, so that’s one reason to watch. The other is to get riled up watching dumb British soldiers murder innocent people. See also – The Crying Game, Michael Collins, Hunger, every Cranberries music video, and the next film . . .

4. In the Name of the Father (1993)

It’s one thing for England to fight and kill members of the IRA, it can be a touchy subject with opponents on both sides, but in this true life story, the fuzz falsely imprison 4 people for an IRA bombing they had nothing to do with. It makes me want to go all Day-Lewis on some punk limeys.

3. The Patriot (2000)

I’m sure the English did some unsavory things during the Revolutionary War, but Jason Isaacs is downright sadistic in this movie. It’s beyond a stereotype. It’s almost as if Roland Emmerich wanted us to see this movie and then invade England afterward.

2. Braveheart (1995)

Longshanks is the bastard Englishmen to end all bastard Englishmen. I mean all William Wallace wanted was a wife and family, and Longshanks had to go all Primae Noctis on the people. He also chucks gay guys from windows and has a generally sour disposition. Oh and every other Brit in this movie is an asshole and when it’s over you feel like finding someone with a funny accent and punching them in the face while you scream FREEDOM!!!!!!

1. Chariots of Fire (1981)

It’s mega British, super boring, and WON BEST PICTURE OVER RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK!!! If that’s not enough to anger you, one of the main plot points is that the dude doesn’t want to run on a Sunday! Hulk SMASH!


4 responses to “10 Films That Make Me Hate The British

  1. So you hate the British based on movies and a Royal wedding because American media decided to go over the top in covering the event.

    This is one case where you should be hating the messenger not the source.

    If we English (I use English because you stuck Braveheart in there) did the same we would have a whole lot more to hate the Americans with out television saturated with American television and movies and gossip about vacuous hollywood movie stars lives which has even less meaning than the things you complained.

    Also basing your hatred on what the ‘British’ do in movie whether fact or fiction is idiotic as they are often written by people like you with a skewed view of how we are and in the case of so called historical events things based on a very biased and often wrong view. Braveheart and the Patriot are so far from the facts on what actually happened it’s not even funny and actually in both historical events both sides opposing the British/English also caused atrocities just as bad.

    Ghandi got things pretty right so can say portrayed the Brits in a correct villainous way. But guess what that was made by a Brit. Shows we can at least admit to our wrongs in the past where American movies often avoid doing such with a jingoistic attitude.

    • Thank you, Chris, for so eloquently putting Bryan in his place. I would also say that one isn’t obligated to pay attention to all the Royal wedding coverage. I am happy to say that I have managed to remain blissfully ignorant of the entire affair, even with my girlfriend having watched the ceremony–in its entirety–three times.

      Also, I don’t think Bryan actually hates the British. He’s just a twat sometimes.

  2. I was hoping my sarcasm and my tongue being firmly in cheek would be obvious. My misplaced anger was intentional.

    I am well aware of the historical inaccuracies of such films and the fact that Attenborough directed Ghandi and everything else you speak of.

    A lot of white Americans have made anti-slavery/racism etc. movies as well.

    True or not isn’t the point. Good or bad is what I care about.

    And as for the wedding, yes I avoided it as best I could, but it was plastered all over my TV/Internet. It looked like a lot of British showed up so I’m thinking it was more Global than just US media blowing it up.

    Also, I can’t stand the gossipy American crap you speak of either. But where to direct my anger in a comically movie related way? 10 awful Lindsay Lohan movies seems a little redundant don’t you think?

  3. Actually I love and hate a lot of British and American films. I enjoyed BraveHeart and Zulu because of there historical nature, though not always accurate. Michael Caine and Mel Gibson (besides being off his rocker at times) are really good actors.

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