I hope you all are weathering this current movie shitstorm with lots of streaming Netflix, books and video games. While I wish I could say Red Dead Redemption is so far the best movie of the year, I can’t. Aside from Toy Story 3, I haven’t seen ANYTHING that blew my cock off. Additionally, I haven’t been really excited for anything to the point of looking at my calendar and measuring how much longer I’d have to wait for whatever movie I was excited about. Not even Iron Man 2 made me do the movie happy dance. Inception has been the only “wait and see and hope” movie this year, I think. After the release of Predators, I wondered if I was growing out of my love for movies, or the movies we’re just that fucking bad. Thankfully, I’ve discovered it’s the latter, and I have news about it too.
The Resurrection of the Christ – Yes, that Christ. Won’t be Search For Spock, I can tell you that.
Footloose – lol
Scream 4 – 4th movie syndrome like Crystal Skull? Please Hollywood, there’s a specific time frame for these rebooty sequels. Unless that’s the point of the movie, though I doubt it.
The Three Musketeers 3-D – nuff said. [Editor’s note: You left out the icing on the cake… director Paul W.S. Anderson.]
The Thing – Yes, that “Thing.”
Thor – Maybe? Or is this going to be another limp on the way to Avengers? After Iron Man 2 didn’t do anything exactly “outside the box” I’m a little worried.
Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides – No. No. HOWEVER, this is coming from someone who only marginally liked the first one, so a new director and new cast might be just the thing for me personally. In regards to the greater movie audience and summer movies as a whole, NO.
The Hangover 2 – Why? Oh right. Money. But really, why? Todd Phillips does great on his own (even creating his own sort of comedy sub-genre) and really doesn’t need to repeat himself with a sequel. I expect this to be like Caddyshack 2.
Kung Fu Panda: The Kaboom of Doom – Like Hangover, doesn’t need a follow-up.
X-Men: First Class – I like the balls for making a Wolverine-less X-movie. Yet, like Captain America, better start rolling fucking fast.
Fast Five – Well, was never my thing. However, it didn’t go into 4th movie syndrome last time. It delivered exactly what it promised to the audience they sought. While I don’t like them, I have no real problem with this one. Good business, reasonable cast, the possibility of the Rock getting his balls back. As I started writing I really did not think I would have any beef with this movie, or franchise. Not gonna see it though.
Green Lantern – Has a greater chance of falling on its face than being remarkable.
Cars 2: World Grand Prix – The only Pixar clunker is bringing Lasseter in to co-direct a year out (11th hour in Pixar-time). And no teaser with Toy Story 3? Uh oh.
Rise of the Apes – We need to revisit the Apes, but not like this. I don’t care to see how the Apes took over.
Transformers 3…… D! – What ELSE do you need to avoid this? [Editor’s note: The movie so bad that Megan Fox turned it down.]
Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows: Part II – This summer may go down as the summer where the Harry Potter saga gracefully (fingers crossed) comes to an end. That is all.
Captain America – This summer may also go down where we get sick and tired of superhero movies. Oh and it hasn’t started filming yet.
Cowboys and Aliens – I dunno.
The Smurfs 3D – No.
War Horse – Spielberg needs to come down on these shitty summers and kick the ever-loving shit out of us with next big Spielbergian blockbuster! But sadly, here is some awards bait. I hope it is really good, but it’s still not that badass Liam Neeson “Lincoln” movie we were hearing about.
Spy Kids 4: Armageddon Skank Robbers – I got these movies from The Movie Insider. This turned out as is, so I’m just leaving it. [Editor’s note: SK4 & Skank Robbers are actually two different movies… but it is still funny.]
Final Destination 5 – Teens need something to get blown during and feel really weird about after.
Underworld 4 – Not like it’s going to get any worse in 4th movie syndrome.