Hi, it’s me, Nathan Ayling. You don’t know me, which is probably a good thing because if I met any of you, I’d probably rip off my Empire Strikes Back t-shirt and stuff it down your delusional fucking throats. You’re having a bad summer, eh? No shit. I could have told you that. I could have told you that a year ago. “What’s wrong,” you ask. Well, here is the hard truth: I, Nathan Ayling, have seen three new movies this year, and when Nathan Ayling doesn’t go to the movies it’s a bad, bad thing.
You see, I have a sort of gift. I’m like an empirical baseline for movie going, your key demographic, if you will. If I go to the movies, other people are probably going to go as well. This year, however, I haven’t been going to the movies, and you’ve felt it.
Now, I don’t have any grand criticism about these dozens of movies I have not seen, no two bits about how they could be better. My entire gripe, the reason my ass isn’t firmly planted in a theater seat every fucking week boils down to three simple words: I don’t care.
I don’t care about Karate Kids. I don’t care about The A-Team. I don’t care if John Travolta shaved his head. I don’t care about the Prince of Persia’s abs. I just don’t care, so why would I pay to not care?
Sex and the City in the desert, is that what you think of me? Did you presume that I was so devoted to the show that if you took out the sex and the city that I’d still shuck out ten bucks? Are you fucking retarded?
I don’t play Prince of Persia. I don’t know anybody who plays Prince of Persia. My mother thought it was some kind of historical biography. Did you take any of that into account before you made a two hundred million dollar Prince of Persia movie? I bet you could have stood outside your office with a megaphone and asked, “Hey, does anyone care about Prince of Persia?” Three people would have replied, “not really.” But you didn’t, and now you have hundreds of millions of dollars worth of shit on your hands.
The question isn’t whether anyone cares about Ashton Kutcher, it’s: did anyone ever care about Ashton Kutcher? The answer is NO! I can’t stand a thirty-second camera commercial with that dickhead. Did you really think I would pay to watch him for ninety fucking minutes?!?!
Good God Clash of the Titans was a stupid movie. No, not the new one, the original?! I know one guy who liked the original. I only know one guy who saw the new one. Guess what… it was the same fucking guy! Me and my entire horde of movie loving geeks and you could only get one of us to see your stupid movie… based on a stupid movie… are you stupid?!?
Furry Vengeance? Fuck you!
Nightmare on Elm Street, Clash of the Titans, The A-Team, Karate Kid, did you guys have a meeting and say, “Ya know, we should really go back to that hotbed of quality entertainment that was the early eighties.” The only person who should have a job right now is the guy who decided not to remake Xanadu. Now that is a forward thinker. But, he’s probably the same guy who thought Jonah Hex had real potential if they just dumbed it down and schlocked it up bit.
Which finally leads me to Toy Story 3, if the people at Pixar were smart, they would take every last Toy Story penny (which there will be a lot of because I care about Toy Story) and build a giant wall around their studio, complete with gun turrets and angry dogs. Fuck it. Pixar should just buy Area 51 and move everything there. Give Brad Bird an office next to a UFO, that can only turn out awesome. They should do everything possible to keep you assholes out of their studio, because we can’t be sure your idiocy isn’t fucking contagious.
Hallelujah, Holy Shit!
By the way, I kind of liked MacGruber.